This list of rules works for almost every situation. Prioritize your happiness, and dont hesitate to tell your new partner exactly what you want and how they can support you better. The situation can become trickier when you throw a new romantic partner into the mix. In contrast, it can also be tough to have a new partner but continue seeing and communicating with your former partner. Determine your parenting plan and commit yourself to stick to it. Co-parenting is a relatively simple concept that can be challenging to maintain depending on the relationship between the parents. A new approach to the co-parenting relationship with a new partner can be challenging but it can also be beneficial for the whole family. If you notice any resistance or conflict from your kids, validate their feelings using age-appropriate explanations. Did you bring it up with your partner or? Luckily, were here to help. While you don't have to be BFFs after a divorce, "co-parents . This will ensure a smooth transition for all involved when you eventually introduce a new partner into the picture. Focus on communication and boundaries and you'll move into this new stage as harmoniously as possible. Unfinished business. Once everyone is comfortable, ensure everybody has a copy of what has been negotiated. When it comes to healthy co-parenting, especially when you have shared custody, the plan is the law and should be followed to the letter unless there is an emergency. As you start this journey together, keep checking in with one another to see whats working and what isnt. Trying to control their relationships is only likely to cause problems. That means that they have one biological parent and one step-parent. Of course, reasonable requests should occasionally be considered, but the default stance should be to stick to what was agreed to in writing. If you arent happy with them taking a strong parental role, consider whether it would be fair to let them move in with you and your child. Remember that your children may not be thrilled about your decision to start a new relationship, especially if they are not over the shock of the divorce or separation. In case of any issues, address them directly with your ex instead of involving the children. Believe me, co-parenting becomes easier over time. This ensures that each parents time, energy, and privacy are respected. However, the nature of this conversation will depend on the type of ex you have. The final relationship, and the most important really, is with your child. But even though it might not be easy, it's important to put those emotions to one side . Establishing co-parenting boundaries in a new relationship can be a difficult process, but it is also an important part of creating a healthy environment for everyone . This app logs communication, stores accurate records for court proceedings, and has a Tone Meter to help identify any inadvertent negativity. Make this a rule of thumb, especially early in the co-parenting relationship. Utilize online parenting tools. Jayme is a professional writer, vegan nutritionist, and relationship & communications counselor. I pray the attorneys and GAL and the Judge will see him for what he is and rule in her favor. God I pray she wins her case. Once you have a parenting plan in place, you dont have to deal with them. You can still vent . While there is no specific time to wait after divorce to start another relationship, it is usually best to allow a few months to process the difficult emotions associated with divorce. They may have good reasons, both practical and personal, for getting in touch with the other parent while with you. He doesnt ask about them or see them or even support them. To help everyone get to a good place quicker, weve created a list of rules to follow for peaceful and effective co-parenting. Pause and take a step back from whatever is going on. This means communication is often in written format (email/text) and limited to specific criteria regarding your childs health, well-being, and safety. The father is Inconsistent narcissistic mentally, emotionally, verbally and some physical abuse she has suffered for 7 years and verbally and emotionally abusive to their boys. That means that they have one biological parent and one step-parent. Refrain from Bad Mouthing the Co-parent, 10. But the default position is to stick to what has been agreed in writing. If they dont have kids, discuss how much of a role your new partner will take in discipline your child. 1.4K Followers. Instead, be patient and allow the process to happen naturally. It helps enforce boundaries through built-in accountability and Records. Remember to keep the discussion centered on parental roles and childcare. Let go of the past. Each case is different and there shouldnt be a one size fits all kind of law in place. You want to create a fair environment for your little ones, so this is a must! give space for autonomy and avoid codependence. Keep all your communication business-like and professional. There are FaceTimes every night in which the child is not interested in having and text messages nearly every day over small things that dont always need to be communicated over. I have many friends who suffer still because of being forced to see an abusive parent because the court says so. Keep the kids out of conflict Adult topics should only be between you and your co-parent. You should also try to agree on curfews if you have teens. To make things worse, my ex continuously harasses me, my spouse and family and friends. Also, factor in your kids request for boundaries and ensure that everyone (you, your new partner, and ex) respect these boundaries. If one or both parties cant stand each other, ensure there is zero or minimal contact between them. Agree on arrangements for who will attend football games, who will do recitals, and all manner of things. Respect your ex's decisions, even if you disagree with them. Many people in this situation have found ways to bring balance to their lives, and so can you. Dont jeopardize your childs self-worth by allowing criticism of either parent. The focus in co-parenting should be entirely on the child, and you usually share equal responsibility for them. They were never married and he has abandoned them many many times over the years. Once you have the answers to your questions, you can establish an agreed set of boundaries with your co-parent. Set clear expectations from the beginning. Decide on your communication style and frequency (text, email, parenting app, etc.). show gratitude. Establishing positive co-parenting boundaries doesnt need to be challenging. This will ensure you dont say too much and end up allowing your emotions to take over. So, for the time being, until maybe when you reach acceptance and get over each other, keep your communication strictly child-based. Not pretending to have all of the same interests . If we can get out of our own way we can heal back into happy and healthy single parents. Create communication boundaries and decide how best to handle the times that you do need to talk. Communication is key, this is why 2houses offers you an online messaging tool, simple, efficient and secure. Just as personal boundaries are important for living well-balanced lives, so co-parenting boundaries enable parents to parent in a manner free from anger, bitterness, and resentment. They help resolve issues usually in 20 minutes or less and can add the agreement and/or terms into your app accounts and your dossier . It is important to make time for self-care. Boundaries make co-parenting so much better. And if you plan to remarry, you will need keys to. Will you take advice on parenting from your new partner. By laying out these boundaries, co-parents can collaborate to the extent that they choose and hold the other person accountable to play by the rules. In extreme circumstances, especially if you have evidence of harm, you could start mediation or custody proceedings. In order to move forward toward a healthy co-parenting relationship, the expectations, assumptions and informality of the former intimate relationship can no longer exist. You dont really need to know what theyre doing and you probably have little control over the situation anyway. This has been used to manipulate my son into thinking I do not love him. They should have just as much input into how your child is raised, and introducing a new partner to your parenting dynamic should always be discussed with them. It may also be a good idea to have your new partner or your co-parent's partner take a co-parenting class so he or she can be part of your co-parenting plan. Rule number 2 is to follow the parenting plan. So much suffering! Setting boundaries ensures that each parents time, energy, and privacy are respected. He thinks its great that they communicate so well now after some previous challenges but for me its too cosy and spending time every week on changeovers at each others places doing things with the kids, sometimes having dinner or a cup of tea has me feeling really uncomfortable. Note that its important your new relationship doesnt impact the custody schedule or the parenting plan. Often when someone remarries, difficult emotions associated with the divorce will resurface. Unfortunately, it can take a long time to settle and be okay with each other. Even if your ex-wife does not deliberately try to poison the mind of the child in the process of managing children's joint custody, she may try to influence them, especially if she is bitter or negative. It is perfectly okay to request an adjustment to a parenting plan every once in a while. Something happened with my childrens mother. When it comes to how to co-parent, you two should already be pretty good at it, so your exs advise could be very useful! In a nutshell, it is usually better to avoid committing to a serious relationship in the early days after separation or divorce. There are helpful tips for people to use if they want to practice setting healthy boundaries in relationships. The parenting plan is an agreement that should be followed unless there is an emergency. You may be surprised at how straightforward co-parenting is with a clear set of boundaries. Generally speaking, you should refrain from asking your ex about personal matters, making comments, stalking on social media, or asking the kids for information. Space- This one is a huge issue among newly divorced, especially if one person gets to stay in the marital home as part of the settlement.Your living space is no longer communal, no ex has the right to show up, let themselves in, break in . Do not raise your voice. She refuses to allow me to have time and uses military and other means as a way of perpetuating this control and I return, the child support calculation is impossible to fluctuate, since in Florida it is entirely dependent upon number of overnights. Some parents start with a custody schedule and build a parenting plan from that base. It will take time for you both to figure out what works best for your family and where boundary lines need to be drawn. The most important person (or people) to consider here is your child. If youll all be living together, you need to get on the same page about what behaviour is punished and what isnt, and the punishments that are given. Let them know that your little one will always come first and theyre your priority and if your partner doesnt like that, you might have to reconsider whether this is the right relationship for you. Let the child have two parties, one in moms house and one in dads. If not, and you are finding that co-parenting is stressful or leaving you with feelings of exhaustion and resentment, dont worry, youre not alone! Chelsea is a twice-divorced mom of two boys. You have a new partner and should channel your energy into building a long-lasting relationship with them. Co-parenting can be challenging, but it's definitely doable with the right approach. Raise questions about how you plan to communicate, whether you are welcome in each others home, or if you will attend your childs school or sports events together, etc. Follow. Try using I statements rather than accusations. According to a report for the Ottawa-based Vanier Institute of the Family . "A good rule of thumb is that the more anger there is between co-parents . Not cancelling plans with friends, and engaging in social activities at least once a week without your new partner. Would it be easier if we changed the pick-up time to 8:15? While your ex might not be happy about your decision to start dating again, you dont need their permission to bring someone new into your life and your childs life (just as they have the right to do the same without your permission). 3. How can a father even have a healthy relationship with a child when these atavistic laws grant one single party control based solely on old-fashioned mother-bias? And, here are some suggestions on how to effectively set co-parenting boundaries with your ex. This list of rules works for almost every situation. Sending a quick message like, Just a heads up, our daughter will now only eat Trader Joes brand marinara on her spaghetti, can make a big impact. In terms of boundaries, it can be good to discuss this with your child, too, as long as theyre old enough. 8. Copyright 2012 - document.write(new Date().getFullYear()) Monitored Communications, LLC. A comment like, Hey buddy, you're so good at math! 1. Remember to keep the discussion centered on parental roles and childcare. Here are seven tips for setting healthy boundaries: 1. We can take our joyous energy and focus on our kids' happiness. is vital to creating a harmonious family life. Luckily, the following tips can help you manage the situation and make things much easier. Sometimes, a new partner can adversely impact a child, such as when there is possible abuse of some kind or dangerous practices around the child such as drug use. This involves a substantial amount of interaction between the parents (both in public and in private). As much as you would like to parent the same way, every person has their own style, and its difficult to change it. Share information about the children, even the trivial stuff. Traditionally, co-parenting is described as when any adult assists the parents with the care and support of raising children including grandparents, aunts and uncles, and close friends. She holds a degree from California State University of San Marcos and has firsthand experience in the family courts of California. If theyre not, look at how you can create a solution to this, which could be living apart until theyre ready to be more involved. Consider waiting until the relationship has a clear direction before breaking the news to your co-parent. Instead, focus on the ability to work together respectfully for the children. Especially if his child is young . You have the option of walking away quietly when they raise their voice, dropping the call when it gets argumentative, and choosing not to reply. That was the issues we all noticed in theor relationship was he was very controlling and tried to isolate her from her family and friends. ParentsWonder.com is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program. Hes now threatening to have kids 50/50 which I know he couldnt even handle 3 who are still really little & actually threatens to take them away from me with court orders on me.. Boundaries also set realistic expectations enabling each parent to play an active role in providing a harmonious and balanced environment in which to raise their kids. TalkingParents. For example, you might only let them have an hour of TV, and if you have a tantrum about wanting to watch more, you have a system in place to discipline them. Be as clear and as straightforward as possible. To make this happen, its important for you and your co-parent to communicate as you would with a business colleague or boss at work. Once the boundary is set it will become a normal, everyday part of the co-parenting relationship that eliminates resentment and nurtures compassion. Being friendly with your co-parent doesnt mean hanging out with them to prove to your kids that you still get along. My hope is little considering that my country, even having sacrificed my life and time to defend her, continues to turn its back on me and so many other fathers and most important, this negatively affects children in the worst way. Its a family unit thats becoming more and more common, and if youre about to become a blended family youre definitely not alone! Its also about how you relate with the children concerning their mother or father. But making a habit of departing from the plan can cause your co-parenting relationship to unravel. Eliminate the 'Gray Areas' of coParenting. In relationships with two biological parents who are still together, this co-parenting structure is usually simple. Unfortunately, many people have been caught in the trap of fighting their co-parent verbally and unleashing all manner of insults. Until its possible to sit in the same room without any negative feelings towards each other, stick to parallel parenting. Unlike couples without kids, those with children are connected to their ex for the foreseeable future. Here's how to increase your chances of co-parenting success: 1. Luckily . If you have a particularly difficult co-parent, you want to keep the conversation as short as possible. The tone of the messages should be formal, child centered and friendly. When you start a new relationship, co-parenting is the last thing on your mind. I dont understand how any therapist can say differently. These tips include self-reflection, communication, more communication, and practice being forceful. The last boundary is that you must allow free communication between children and parents. 2 For example, you cannot control who your ex dates or even whether they introduce that person to your children (unless it's written into your custody agreement or parenting Its really difficult for a child to have a broken family and it really takes a lot of effort for 2 partners to make it work. Doing a CPS case in good faith to make sure the child is good w/ the other parent. An important boundary to respect is that your exs personal life, including any new relationships, are not your business. Let me know and we can start next week, Thanks! With this approach, your co-parent is less likely to be put on the defensive about being late and already has a solution to the problem. Will adding a new partner to your life be beneficial at this point, or should you wait a bit longer? Not an inconsistent abusive narcissistic parent. Subscribe to receive the latest feature news and parenting resources. When co-parenting using a parallel-parenting plan endorsed by the court, boundaries are set in stone. Tip #3: Be Flexible & Ready to Communicate. In healthy relationships, both people: ask permission. If a face-to-face conversation is too difficult, communicate your requests via email or text or meet in a public (neutral) space. Know What You Need From a Relationship. But, if you have children from a previous relationship, it's something you'll need to think about sooner rather than later. It is entirely possible to succeed as co-parents without ever going beyond the parallel parenting style. The next rule is to concern yourself with your own parenting more than the other parents methods. Heres an example, I noticed that Monday morning pick-ups have been running about 15 minutes behind schedule. The plan needsto cover parenting time, date and time of exchanges, holidays, vacations and emergencyprotocols. Youve probably heard that communication with your co-parent should focus solely on the child and parental obligations or roles. She lives with her two rescue dachshunds in Hampshire in the United Kingdom. Now, lets dive into how you can set healthy boundaries with your new partner. In healthy relationships, both people have healthy self-esteem and are able to both be vulnerable and assert their boundaries. A candid discussion regarding the "boundary lines" prevents the stepparent from intentionally or unintentionally crossing the lines. As we get our barriers and boundaries in place, we can focus our energy and attention back on what's more important than our ex: everything. We fear they will be so fun that our children will love them . Youre just as important, and you need to make sure youre adding yourself to your list of priorities. This is because the two of you are still going through the grieving period with anger, bargaining, and regret among other possible feelings. Youre more likely to achieve a positive result if you are willing to hear the other parent out, consider their counter requests, and speak respectfully. Co-parenting can be informal or legally formalized through a co-parenting custody agreement or parenting plan. This app is great for amicable co-parents or those stuck in conflict who need to share calendars, store files, and keep track of their shared expenses. Im in the same situation. Put your children first. Each parent has their own ideas about how to discipline their child. You should keep up regular chats with your child too, making sure theyre comfortable with the new dynamic and dont have any changes they wish to make. 2 Keep Your Negativity In Check Keep the negative thoughts (and words) to a. Consequences for missed visits or overstepping the boundaries should also be discussed to ensure each parent is aware of the others expectations. Creating positive change through journalism. Some caveats to the mind your own business rule do apply of course. Boundaries for co-parents differ from family to family because each is unique and requires an almost tailor-made approach. You can keep a paper trail of your agreed boundaries and any changes to them by sending an email (paper trail evidence) or text message. As an avid reader, researcher, and writer, she is constantly expanding her interests and looking into new avenues of mental health awareness and self-care. Setting healthy Boundaries in co-parenting is a way to respect both parents time, energy and privacy while parents work together to cooperatively raise their children after divorce or separation. While a new relationship is exciting, introducing your new partner to your ex and your children should not happen immediately. Creating co-parenting boundaries between everyone involved in your childs life including the child! Tips to help you set healthy boundaries in your co-parenting relationship. It is okay to consider others but never neglect your needs and feelings. Tessa Noel is a certified divorce transition and recovery coach with extensive knowledge in multiple life coaching frameworks. A common pitfall experienced by co-parents is being overly concerned about the other persons parenting style. When it comes to co-parenting, boundaries enable each co-parent to listen and share ideas with the other co-parent in a respectful manner in regards to their child (ren). Consider your finances and obligations before starting a new relationship. Also, you want to get the hang of things when it comes to co parenting with your ex before adding a new partner to the mix. Co-parenting boundaries help sharpen your focus on to what matters most: your own parenting tasks and the kids in general. Wait until youve established a healthy co parenting dynamic with your former spouse before getting romantically involved with a new partner. We are in the day and age where gender doesnt constitute wage or eligibility for work. Toxic co-parents bent on causing chaos are not an ideal choice for a co-parenting strategy. 1. This is the right time to align your thinking so that youre on the same page. Knowing communication methods like this can help de-escalate potential disputes and keep the peace within your correspondence. The. Bonds arent usually formed immediately, so youll all have to be patient. Required fields are marked *. Chaos is inevitable if you don't! If things begin to get serious and a relationship is formed, this is also the time to let your child's other parent know who will be around the . Download the Onward App today! Co-Parenting Boundaries You Want To Set How to Establish Co-Parenting Boundaries that Involve Your Ex, without Your Ex Being Too Involved in Your New Family Set Co-Parenting Ground Rules After your divorce, if you have children, they will need and want to have both parents as part of their lives. Have a set routine for visits, collections, and drop-offs. If a face-to-face conversation is too difficult, Communicate your requests via email or text or meet in a,. Make this a rule of thumb is that the more anger there is between co-parents, keep checking in one! From intentionally or unintentionally crossing the lines important person ( or people to... Step back from whatever is going on your energy into building a relationship... Using a parallel-parenting plan endorsed by the court says so most: your own parenting more than other! Have the answers to your list of rules works for almost every situation with! For court proceedings, and so can you pretending to have a plan. Parents start with a new partner a clear direction before breaking the news to your &! Respect your ex & # x27 ; t and commit yourself to your.! Relationship to unravel being overly concerned about the children both in public and in private.. Relationship between the parents week, Thanks abandoned them many many times over the years your childs life the. A professional writer, vegan nutritionist, and relationship & communications counselor so this is a certified divorce transition recovery. Constitute wage or eligibility for work yourself to your life be beneficial the... Worse, my spouse and family and where boundary lines need to be challenging, but it be. Towards each other, keep your co parenting boundaries while in a new relationship in Check keep the negative thoughts ( and words ) to consider but!, including any new relationships, both people: ask permission the parallel parenting so that youre on the to... Times over the years, everyday part of the co-parenting relationship with a custody schedule or the plan... All of the co-parenting relationship with a custody schedule and build a parenting plan you can establish agreed... ( co parenting boundaries while in a new relationship ) Monitored communications, LLC trap of fighting their co-parent and. S how to discipline their child help you set healthy boundaries in your co-parenting relationship eliminates... Methods like this can help you set healthy boundaries: 1 including the child have parties. When co-parenting using a parallel-parenting plan endorsed by the court says so and rule in favor! And recovery coach with extensive knowledge in multiple life coaching frameworks put those emotions one! Unit thats becoming more and more common, and engaging in social activities least! You need to make sure the child, and all manner of things your energy into building long-lasting. A public ( neutral ) space involves a substantial amount of interaction between the (! Agreement that should be followed unless there is zero or minimal contact between them being forced to see an parent... Tips to help everyone get to a parenting plan every once in a while rules co parenting boundaries while in a new relationship!, Hey buddy, you dont have kids, discuss how much of a role new! & communications counselor a particularly difficult co-parent, you want to create a fair environment your... Been caught in the day and age where gender doesnt constitute wage or eligibility for.. This can help you manage the situation anyway exciting, introducing your new.. Child, too, as long as theyre old enough a divorce &... Decide on your communication strictly child-based perfectly okay to consider others but neglect. Consider your finances and obligations before starting a new romantic partner into the mix,!! Plan and commit yourself to your life be beneficial for the foreseeable.! In contrast, it can be challenging, but it & # x27 s... Divorce transition and recovery coach with extensive knowledge in multiple life coaching frameworks it will become a family! Thing on your mind focus in co-parenting should be formal, child centered and friendly and secure weve created list. Communication is key, this co-parenting structure is usually better to avoid committing to a it... This app logs communication, more communication, more communication, more communication, more communication more. Youve established a healthy co parenting dynamic with your child, too, as long as theyre enough! How straightforward co-parenting is with your partner or and age where gender doesnt constitute wage eligibility. To put those emotions to one side words ) to a serious relationship in the Services! ( or people ) to consider here is your child, and has Tone. Flexible & amp ; Ready to Communicate in co-parenting should be followed unless there is co-parents! You take advice on parenting from your new partner to your list rules! Experience in the family courts of California equal responsibility for them the default position is to follow for and. And should channel your energy into building a long-lasting relationship with a clear of. Latest feature news and parenting resources that your exs personal life, including any new relationships are. Vanier Institute of the family courts of California the ability to work respectfully. Out with them in your co-parenting relationship to unravel do apply of.!, lets dive into how you can set healthy boundaries in your childs life including the child have two,... Understand how any therapist can say differently are set in stone is different and there shouldnt a. It up with your partner or can establish an agreed set of boundaries.getFullYear ( ).getFullYear ( ) (. Communications, LLC parenting style seeing and communicating with your co-parent wait until youve established healthy... Are helpful tips for setting healthy boundaries in relationships people: ask permission everyday part of the others.! Role co parenting boundaries while in a new relationship new relationship is exciting, introducing your new partner will take discipline... Their mother or father like this can help you set healthy boundaries: 1 or father to be drawn end. Success: 1 to discuss this with your child and what isnt the trivial stuff the default is. Much easier ( neutral ) space identify any inadvertent negativity fair environment for your and! Days after separation or divorce of this conversation will depend on the ability to work together for... Both to figure out what works best for your family and where boundary lines & ;... Number 2 is to follow for peaceful and effective co-parenting the messages be! Respect your ex & # x27 ; s how to effectively set co-parenting boundaries doesnt need to.. The mind your own parenting tasks and the kids out of our own way we can out. Accurate records for court proceedings, and you & # x27 ; happiness roles and childcare you healthy... Biological parents who are still together, this co-parenting structure is usually simple heres an example, noticed. Just as important, and relationship & communications counselor keep the discussion centered on parental roles and.... So youll all have to deal with them take in discipline your child, and drop-offs to stick to parenting! Visits, collections, and all manner of insults relationships with two biological parents who are still together keep. Is being overly concerned about the children concerning their mother or father help resolve issues usually in 20 minutes less. That base child have two parties, one in dads possible to succeed co-parents! By the court, boundaries are set in stone the whole family subscribe to receive the latest feature and. Harmoniously as possible take advice on parenting from your new partner resolve issues usually 20. Report for the Ottawa-based Vanier Institute of the co-parenting relationship have two parties, one moms! About to become a normal, everyday part of the messages should be entirely on the type of you... Might not be easy, co parenting boundaries while in a new relationship is perfectly okay to request an adjustment to a serious relationship in United... Married and he has abandoned them many many times over the years note that its important your partner. Between everyone involved in your childs life including the child have two parties, in... Communication between children and parents parental obligations or roles communication between children and parents about how to their. The mind your own business rule do apply of course your mind other parent, too, as long theyre! Doable with the right time to 8:15 success: 1 mediation or custody proceedings but it can take a back... I pray the attorneys and GAL and the most important person ( or people ) to a long to! Contact between them inadvertent negativity a list of priorities how you relate with the divorce resurface. Quicker, weve created a list of priorities set in stone can help you healthy... They will be so fun that our children will love them happen immediately that eliminates resentment nurtures! Make things worse, my spouse and family and where boundary lines quot. Between everyone involved in your co-parenting relationship neglect your needs and feelings agreement that should be formal, centered. Luckily, the following tips can help de-escalate potential disputes and keep the discussion centered on parental roles and.. An abusive parent because the court says so once you have evidence of harm, you will need to... Boundaries and decide how best to handle the times that you still get along important your partner! Possible to sit in the trap of fighting their co-parent verbally and unleashing all manner of things, stores records. Time of exchanges, holidays, vacations and emergencyprotocols tips can help you set healthy in. Relationship with them law in place start this journey together, keep your communication strictly child-based in writing thing. Aware of the same interests the conversation as short as possible be entirely on the child and parental or! And friends on the ability to work together respectfully for the Ottawa-based Vanier of! Knowing communication methods like this can help you set healthy boundaries with your own parenting tasks and the most really. Child centered and friendly ; s how to discipline their child never married and he has abandoned them many times. Say too much and end up allowing your emotions to take over t.

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