Or stay the whole time? On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my Yeah.. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. FireStar GatorGirl But Ill tell you what. If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. It would be a lot of some, but we like it. Tell him youre staying home this weekend. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. You arent happy and yet you stay. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. allathian tbrucemom Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. muchachaenlaventana A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. I can understand both sides. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. No, not necessarily. January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. Will.i.am That was my first thought. I agree that it is dysfunctional. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. You mention what you used to do when your were single. Heck, some people are just like that. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. Your I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. 2. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. it was a constant struggle for almost 5 years because when Id drive to see him, wed get alone time, but of course i had to drive there. Just because I didnt want to start over again. She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. SpaceySteph Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? Anonymousse Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. Maybe he is making up time for that. She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. Then you may just be spending too much time together. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). NOt exactly like you put it, but yes I believe there are certain things (finances mostly) that def have to be discussed prior to moving in with your SO. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. Yeah, but every weekend? It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. im kind of confused. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. Gah what is that. leilani Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. I Wish I Were Homeward Bound. Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Lindsay All rights reserved. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. lets_be_honest They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. allathian Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. Isnt that the point of waiting to move in with someone? remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. Its time for him to grow up. This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. bluesunday When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. Dont people like to do things in their cities? And I think this is the case here. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? But Im talking about my family. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. Some peoples parents are just like that. I like to relax at home. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. However, I think the So why are you still with him? its a really exciting time for your relationship! At best, you will an appendage to his family. I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. It is what they like to do. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Your problem is thinking you can change him. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? lets_be_honest definitely not enough information here. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. June 18, 2014, 9:55 am. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? 1. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. Does that make sense? Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. She kept trying to change it and regularly fights with him about it. So its not like every.single.weekend. The little things like who is taking the garbage out? January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. I can use a personal example as well. 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